Wank Note
by WalrusVaginaz
Summary: The Death Note story we've all cum to know and love, now with extra jizz.
1. Salmon-Senpai

Light Yagami was at anime school.

He's the protagonist so he sits next to the window.

His swoopy emo hair covers his eye as he listens to sensei with admiration.

"Yagami, translate the following sentence into English"

Imagay stands up so sensei can check out his fine abs while he reads

"And so, the fuck boy ate a salmon then pleasured himself with it"

"Very good", sensei said

Imagay looked at his class mates

'so many fuck boys. bet they all pleasure themselves with fish too'

While Light pictured his classmates penetrating a small salmon, he caught a glimpse of something falling outside the window.

A black book.

'Oooooh' thought salmon-senpai 'how intriguing'

Salmon-senpai ate a salmon then went outside to investigate the book that had fallen from the clouds.

"Wank note?" Light queried, "Like, a notebook of wank specimens?"

Imagay, excited by this notion, placed the nasty shit in his man bag and proceeded to his crib.


	2. Dildo Postman

"The person who's name is ejaculated into this book… shall die?" Light read in amazement

"Unless otherwise indicated, the person shall die of… excessive wanking?"

Light sniggered, it was a funny prank.

He lay the book down on his desk

"Light!" the anime mom called from downstairs, "I'm going out to buy erotic manga, do you want some?"

"Thanks, ma niggah", replied Light.

Once Light heard the door close, he did what every teenage boy does when left alone in a house for 5 minutes.

He turned on his favourite anime and had a wank.

 _Koi wo shiyou yo kisu suru mae ni_

 _Koi wo shiyou yo me wo mitsumete_

 **(A/N: 4 points for u if you no the anime)**

Light's wank was so aggressive that as he released his mayonnaise it flew across the room landing on his desk.

"Oh shit", Light groaned, giving his penis a 'well done' pat and making his way to the desk.

His baby batter had landed on the wank note. 'lol. ironic' thought Light.

Light was about to feed the substance to his dog **(A/N: Light has a dog. AU).** when he thought he might as well try out the book.

Light looked out the window and saw the postman twerking up to his letterbox. In his hand was the tentacle dildo he had ordered.

'Hmm, looks a bit small' thought Light. He put his finger into his specimen and wrote in the book 'Dildo Postman'.

Light watched excitedly as the postman spontaneously pulled down his trousers and wanked furiously, screaming in terror as he did so.

"GAAAAH! MY PENIS! WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

The postman spluged so much that he drowned in it and died.

"It works…"


	3. Banana Pen

Light had owned the wank note for just over a week now. His penis was very sore.

"Ryuk, my penis is sore", spoke Light

"I know, it looks like a crusty sausage", reply Ryuk, twerking saucily.

Light hated having to wank every time he wanted to kill a person so he needed to come up with a way to preserve his banana juice. Light looked at the left over spurge from his last killing spree: 'what a waste'.

Light looked at his desk- perhaps there was a small plastic bag he could keep spare specimens in…

Ryuk began penetrating his butt with Light's favourite pen.

"That's it!" Light exclaimed

"What, stimulating yourself anally?"

"No, I collect my cake mix into a pen and then write with it when I need to"

"Oooh, kinky"

So Light came into his pen **(A/N: He's a white boy so he could fit his baby penis inside it)** and set it on his desk. Perfect.

"Light! Can you help me with my homework?" asked Sayu at dinner.

"Sure, what are you stuck on?" Light asked while leading her to his torture chamber.

Sayu sat down at Light's desk, opening her text book, "Quadratic equations in math"

"Right, well, take a pen and we'll go through them together", Light answered, creepily shutting and locking the door. Sayu grabbed the closest pen, ignoring it's white ink. She began scribbling down an equation. The ink was a thick white liquid. "Light, there's something wrong with this pen, the ink is white"

"Aw shite"

Ryuk laughed so hard he shit himself like 10 times. Light had to pretend he had a kink for pens. Sayu became lesbian.


	4. The Penis of Death

L was watching the news, a young woman was being interviewed in response to witnessing a suspicious death:

"It was terrifying", she cried, "My husband just grabbed his willy and wanked so ferociously that it came off in his hand. He didn't stop there, though. He fisted his newly formed penis hole. Oh god, I knew I shouldn't have worn that thong"

L switched off the television. What was making men across the country wank so ferociously? Was there a conspiracy here? Were the C.I.A projecting erotic images into the minds of our civilians' penises? Who knew.

He ate a whole fuckin chocolate cake and then called up the Japanese police. "I would like to set up a task force with some of your members" _'lol members'_ L thought.

Elsewhere, Misa Amane was writing names in her Wank Note, trying desperately to please Kira, her senpai. Misa does not have a penis. She experiments with many different sexy bodily fluids to write with and settled on nipple juice. Misa squeezed her nip-nips and watched as the lactation splattered onto the wank note. "This will please my senpai" she said, cackling. Rem watched intently. She had the horn.

"If Shinigami have one wank note each, how did you have one to give to me?" Misa asked.

"Because I robbed a nigger's grave", said Rem

"But I thought shinigami couldn't die?" Questioned Misa.

"There was once a shinigami named jealous", Rem began, sitting beside Misa, "his penis of death had been tingling for a while now over a blonde slut with pigtails that reminded him of little kids so his sexuality was confused and vaguely pedophilic…"

Misa stared, confused. "Yes?"

"But he could not appease himself, for a shinigami's fluids must never be spilled for wanting to fuck a human", Rem continued, "Except one day the blonde slut was about to be stabbed in an alleyway, so Jealous was like 'ooooh kinky' and fapped to death"

"Wow", said Misa, grabbing her boobs in shock, "I always thought it was rain spilling onto my face that day, turns out it was a Shinigami's milkshake"

"Jealous wanted to fuck you so bad that he died and that is why you have this wank note"

"Rem, dont bust a nut over me, okay?" Misa giggled

"I have remained abstinant for many years, misa, even your perky tits like apple pie cant make me masturbate"


	5. The Detective and The Doughnut

Elsewhere, L was preparing his crib for a meeting with the task force members. He looked at the cock "hmm, 10 minutes" he think. "I have time".

L grabbed a doughnut and turned on the TV- he changed the channel to the cooking network where some bitch was cooking fucking cookies.

"Oh damn, this is hot", said L, feeling his hot-dog warm up in his penis packet. He watched, memorised as the cookies sensually heated up in the oven. He was ready. Pulling down his leg pants he released his detective dick. He detected that it was pretty damn big aeeeeyyyyooooo.

L slid the doughnut onto his manhood- the sugar tingled his scrotum. "Ooh" he giggled. The burning sensation brought him pleasure and he came right there like 2 times. Almost as soon as he had released the hounds, a knock at the door did sound.

"Shit", say L, pulling up his trousers so violently that he caught his penis in the zipper. He answered the door and it was the task force senpais.

"Hello, I am L", say L

"But you look like a white boy who spends all day locked in his room wanking", say Soichiro

"I'm that too"

When everyone had arrived, L brought his new homies into the sitting room where to his horror, the cooking channel was still on.

"IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" cried L, desperately trying to change the channel from the porn. Eventually, he changed it to something far less erotic, some anime called 'Eiken' or something, and they sat down.

"You brought us doughnuts? How kind, L" say Matsuda, "Where are the rest?" he say taking the abandoned fuck buddy from the table and biting into it.

L got turnt onnnnnn.

"Mmmm, salty" say Matsuda

L came.


End file.
